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Thought Of The Day!


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Movies Destroying America -by Stephen Colbert

 

Bratz -- Stephen assumed it was about tasty grilled German sausage. Turns out, like Transformers, it's a movie based on a line of toys. Only in this case, instead of vehicles, they're dolls dressed up like whores who love to shop.

 

I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry -- they make gay marriage seem like so much fun. And no one's going to vote for a constitutional amendment banning fun.

 

Hairspray -- Stephen's one quibble is that the poster bills John Travolta as the big star, but he watched the entire trailer and didn't see Travolta anywhere!

 

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For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

 

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

 

On the card was written:

 

"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce."

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Four Horsemen of the A-Pop-Calypse

-by Stephen Colbert

 

 

First Horseman: Television -- Shaq, you may be an athlete and a role model for kids, but you've got more important people counting on you: your corporate sponsors.

 

Second Horseman: Music -- Hey Sinead O'Connor, what are you charging for your new record? Thirty pieces of silver?

 

Third Horseman: Books -- Stephen's got an advance copy of Harry Potter, and spoiler alert: Hermione's a dude, Voldemort is the ghost of Harry's father, whose real name was Rosebud, and on the last page Harry wakes up in bed with Suzanne Pleshette.

 

Fourth Horseman: Movies -- Thanks, Hollywood, for teaching our children that in the face of danger they can just sit back and wait to be saved by a bunch of overgrown toaster-ovens.

 

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Jon Stewart on the former EPA chief's belief there were no health hazards at Ground Zero:

 

"There is one thing in Christine Todd Whitman's defense, you have to remember she had just come off being Governor of New Jersey. Now, I'm from New Jersey. It has its charms, but I'm pretty sure she's got a pretty high threshold for toxic environments."

 

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Recipient of Stephen Colbert's Tip of the Hat:

 

Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff -- what we need is a "gutometer" that measures what Chertoff feels might happen.

 

Recipients of Stephen's Wag of the Finger:

 

IHOP -- what's wrong with "American House of Pancakes"? Your pathetic attempts at flapjack diplomacy make Stephen want to throw up his Rooty Tooty Fresh 'n Fruity.

 

Japan -- you need to consider the full ramifications of a jury of your peers. Keep in mind that, thanks to technological advances, robots are your peers. Robots have no mercy.

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From the writers of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

Doctored Testimony

 

Last week, former top doc Richard Carmona testified before Congress, charging that the Bush Administration consistently politicized his office, which is supposed to be non-partisan. It makes sense, though. The President is untouchable, the Vice President isn't even technically human, and they can just commute the sentence of anyone who gets caught. The only thing that can really hurt this administration now... is "science".

 

According to Carmona, the Administration discouraged him from attending the Special Olympics because the Kennedy family is a major sponsor. Now I've heard the expression "playing politics," but I didn't realize the object was to "defeat the retarded."

 

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From the writers of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart:

 

James and the Giant Ball of Lead

 

In breaking news, more than nine million toys made in china are being recalled because they may be contaminated with harmful levels of lead paint. Wow, nine million toys. Though the good news is that eight million of them belong to that spoiled rich kid up the street. And he just gets bored with everything after five minutes.

 

The main problem is with toys that have been tainted with lead paint. Though toxic, manufacturers continue to use lead paint because it is bright, durable, cheap and "delicious."

 

 

 

 

 

Juicy Squirt

 

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

 

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

 

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

 

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